I was talking to a friend tonight, someone who I had been friends with four years.

We had our ups and down, but probably the best person I can talk to about anything.

Which makes me happy cause I got someone I can talk to about anything.

I gotta get this ice melting

Anyways

my friend that their favorite thing about me is my smile.

Mind you, we haven't talked in like two years, so this was.. a while back.

I asked why

"You have the best smile! It's a very happy smile"

I just found that ..so cute.

And i kinda realized I haven't smiled like that in awhile.  that crazy "I'm really happy right now smile"

I miss smiling like that.  Sure, things make you sad, but i wanna smile like that again.

So I looked in the mirror and I was kinda shocked by what I saw.

Kinda lifeless eyes.  Run down face.  tired. 

I don't recognize myself. 

It's weird, right?  You can look in the mirror everyday, but it's not really you.

So I'm gonna smile again.  I don't want to pretend. or stress over little things.  When its a great day, I want to be outside! When I'm mad, I should show it.  I wanna laugh, dance, sing, smile.

why does this sound so cheeeesy. how annoying.

i use to take risks. its time to take a risk.

SMILE!

Because I've been sick, I've been putting off my schoolwork. 

Not in the mood after repeatedly coughing up a lung.  I don't have a fever, but I'm one of those people who when they sick, they are sick.  Wrapped up in a blanket and everything.

I can't sleep very well either.   I worry.  I eat funny.  I think too much.  I do, honestly.

Nothing is stopping me from being who I wanna be, ya know?  I can come up with a million of excuses of why I don't make myself happy, why I don't look out after myself and it all goes back to:

because I don't want to lose the opportunities that people present me.

This isn't like job opps or grade wise shit.

This is stuff I'm afraid of losing friendship, people losing interest in me, people not thinking I'm a nice person, people thinking I'm stuck up.

I'll admit: I lose of myself in all that.

People see the superficial part of me, my looks, and I just let do the work for me. Stupid, but true.  I don't let people know who I really am.  They see the cover and I try to match it.

Before, people were surprised by my personality.  I was very open minded, sharing, and a good listener.  That kinda deteriorated over time cause I didn't think anyone cared.  But really.. I didn't care anymore.

Why is harder to not be yourself?

I wish I could take some spiritual days and work out (cause that's my reward to myself) but i be sick!!! Agh, and I'm debating whether to try to take some Benadryl to knock myself out. 2x doses (I know I know, its bad.. I could overdose and die aaah) last night and I could not fall asleep.  Actually I probably passed out suddenly but I kept waking up cause it was too hot and too cold.  Irritating.. hmm.  I hope my classes go painlessly tomorrow cause I look like death! WOO!

So maybe I should disconnect from the world. Not here cause I like it here, but AIM, Facebook.  Cause when's the last time I pleased (not the in the dirty way mind you) myself? 

A lil something to chew on tomorrow morning at work/school/etc.

Toodles!

Last year, without the middle sister buying all the junk food, the pantry was pretty empty.

If I did have junk food, I'd probably eat it straight for three days and then it wouldn't be replenished for two weeks or more.

So what did I eat?

My mom's food which was the typical brown food: rice, chicken (yum), other meats, and veggies.

Cereal... a lot of bread. 

Fruit when there was some.

And then occasional popcorn, chips.

So I actually ate pretty healthy, I guess kinda sparingly, but since I ate so frequently (the cereal yumm) it was how I stayed thin while my work out.

Here at college? Let's see what the late night sample was:

-Veggie lasagna, garlic breadsticks, green beans

So the green beans is okay, but eating the first two or something variation of it every day?  I never ate that type of food at home, even if it is "good", it's not the type of food my body is use to.  

It makes alot more sense why my body is not burning off fat like it use to.

Although, according to familial sources, my family use to think I had an eating disorder!  

Sure, I was getting tired and sick, but I seriously contribute that later on my senior year to my stomach issues.  I think eating disorders are fascinating, but I could never have one.

However, I'm going back to how I use to eat at home.  Lots of cereal and bread and fruit and whatnot.  I'll definitely eat, no worries about me passing out.  I think I was fine before, not tired cause I slept alot.  Dumb stomach issues.. which I need to get checked out again.  Blech. 

So college, apparently does that to you.  The Freshman 15.  Interesting.  Have you guys notice/noticed a difference in weight when you came to college?